Bitter, resentful, envious of others and their advantages, distrustful, and suspicious … these are the most common meanings evoked by the word "jealous." I’d like to think that jealousy is not something I commonly experience. I am happy for others when they find happiness, success, or simply live a life that gives them meaning. Life is too short and too hard to be jealous of others.

But to be honest with myself, sometimes I do feel jealous when I see others around me having relationships. I had one with Meaghan, but it was certainly not a normal relationship by any means. Now she’s gone, and sometimes I feel alone, and wish I had someone in my life as others do.

I spent 15 years in love with Meaghan, but I was never able to hold her even once in our lives before she died. I used to feel envious of others when I saw them hugging and touching one another. Physical contact is something lacking in my life.

My life as leader of Thunder Mountain really does not afford me any free time for myself. I sometimes feel envious of people who have lives free from others, and only are responsible to themselves and their own happiness and security.

The reality is, for all I occasionally feel envy towards others for what they have, it is simply life’s way of pointing out to me what lacks in my life. And I could make changes inside my soul and within my own life, which would give me relationships, downtime, and physical contact, if I had the will. I cannot truly envy others for things I too could have if I made the choice.